Re: Momma

Good morning, Momma!
It's been a pretty slow week in Halmstad. Every investigator we have is either out of town, or was too busy, or just didn't show up if they did set an appointment with us. It's the first week (and hopefully the last) that I didn't have a single teaching appointment. So with some of that 'free time', we've put together a ward mission plan. We're going to put a lot of emphasis in this ward on finding and reactivating the members that have fallen away. At least, that's our plan. I think it's a good one. All the members seem to agree that there's not much point to bringing in new people when we can't keep the old ones.
Yes, I've heard from Nate, but apparently our mail's having some issues right now. I heard nothing from him at all this month, and then about 3 days ago, I got two letters at once that were both about a month old. I hope its just a hiccup and not standard Halmstad mail service. I guess another week or so will tell. Anyway, he says for me not to worry about wedding plans, and to defer you to his department if anything to do with it comes up. ;-)
No, you didn't tell me about your dream. But I do know what you mean when you say you're having paranoia. I went through it back in February. It's one of the main things the mission therapist helped me sort out. It's anxiety, and it's part of the grieving process that comes when you've been too stressed too long. Your whole system just feels attacked and gets stuck in defensive mode. There were a number of weeks when I just felt scared all the time. I would get panicky in any kind of crowd and was constantly on the look-out for danger, because I felt sure it was coming at any moment. I even had a few panic attacks, and on one occasion, thought we were about to be bombed by terrorists in the train station. I was especially worried because I couldn't tell whether or not my fears were just me, or warnings of danger from the Holy Ghost, which is so important for anyone, but maybe even a little moreso as a missionary. Elder Taylor (the therapist) helped me recognize that Heavenly Father knew how stressed and confused I was, and He wouldn't send me a warning or a prompting I needed to follow in a way that would just confuse me further. At that time, I couldn't rely on my feelings because they were all over the place, so when it came to promptings, I could discard my emotional senses, and trust that if there was something Heavenly Father wanted to tell me, he would make it clear in another way. I also found it helpful to trust in my companion's ability to receive guidance from the Holy Ghost, knowing that if we were in danger, the Holy Ghost would be telling her as well as me. I can tell you from first hand experience, it will pass. The fear doesn't go away all at once, but gradually your system will relax again. It goes faster as you make a decided effort to recognize the positive and be appreciative, and also as you calmly, logically work through those moments of panic. It also helped me a lot just to have Elder Taylor to talk to, as it vented out the stress I was feeling about EVERYTHING. I would definitely suggest having someone to talk to right now. And I know exactly what you mean about being strong too. Everyone has told me how strong I am, and how much they admire me for the way I've kept going, but frankly I just felt like I had no other choice but to do what I was doing. When you're between a rock and a hard place, you either keep breathing or you get squished. Sometimes I wanted to just give up and get squished, but I wanted to breathe more. Remember: "This too shall pass."
And I think "Casey's Song" is beautiful. Please tell Mary I said so the next time you see her.
I love you so much, Momma. Take some time to sit down and relax this week, okay? And don't feel bad about it, even if there are some things that need to get done. Your body and spirit just need it right now. Pass on my love to the rest of the family.

Love,
Syster Hillary Kiser