Re: Momma

Dear Momma,
I'm here pretty early today, so I don't think we'll get to chat. Sorry. The elders in our zone have put together another activity for today. Apparently there's some kind of Dr. Seuss park down in Malmo they want us all to come see. Last Monday we went for a hike and played around on a really cool, strange beach. It's hard to describe. There's a huge driftwood fort thing that some guy just started putting together a piece at a time like 20 years ago, and he's still adding to it. My companion says it's like something from The Goonies, but I only saw it once and don't remember a lot.
As for me being so upset lately... The mission is the most stressful thing I've ever done in my life, and it feels like I've had nothing but constant bad news from home ever since it started. All I've hoped would come from my missionary service was that my family would be blessed for it, but no matter what I've tried to do for the Lord, it seems like no one at home wants to be happy. I just can't take anymore bad news or conflict. I'm exhausted. I've been whipped to death by this work. Every hour and minute of my day, I'm driven by the clock and a rule book that's impossible to live up to. I can't slow down, I can't stop, and I have nothing left to give. My right eye twitched for three weeks straight until I melted down last week, cried for 3 days and then slept for a few extra hours. I don't feel like myself anymore. I don't play I don't sing I don't create or imagine. There's no time for that. I'm trapped with no control over my own life, and I'm losing control of myself. I've had melt downs and temper flares for weeks now, and no one's listening to me when I say I'm not okay.
Nate finally figured it out last week, and he's trying to do everything he can to help me calm down. Whatever he says or asks of you, he's trying to help me. he's trying to take whatever he can off my shoulders and off my mind because I just can't deal with anything right now.
I have been starting to feel a little calmer each day this week. I don't know if it was just that I needed to cry it out or get more sleep or Nate's letters, or if I'm just too tired to care anymore. We'll see if it lasts or not.
I think I'm getting sick. I woke up this morning with my throat on fire, and I'm loaded up on drugs now. I'm not convinced that I won't throw up before the morning's over. No, I don't think I need any medicine. I should have plenty. I did get the pills. Thank you very much. And the beef jerky's already gone. ;-) I've looked around here this week and found a few things for my Christmas list. I wonder if you could send about $200 (my bank account's low now) for me to have a little shopping spree and maybe some extra so I can bring some gifts home for everyone else?
Momma, I do hope you have a good week. Maybe you could do something to help us both feel better now. Could you look for something happy to tell me about each day and send them to me in little messages throughout the week? I love you very much, Momma. And I want you to be happy. Give my love to Rich and Keira. (And let Rich know I did appreciate he email last week. I wish he and I would talk more. I just haven't hat time to respond to everyone's emails these last few weeks.)

Love you!
Syster Hillary Kiser